Friday, May 29, 2009

Flush. Repeat. Flush. Repeat.

The highlight of my day so far:

Feeling a lovely breeze on my bare backside while trying to finish my business as MayDay flushed the toilet over and over and over again. Did you know you get a breeze with every flush? Yeah. It's awesome.

When I was little, my (older) cousins Richard and Robert told me all kinds of awful things: a witch lived behind the furnace in my grandparents' house (I still run up ANY basement steps); an old man lived in the toilet and every time I flushed, the doorway through which he could escape and capture me was open (I still refuse to flush while I'm still sitting, although after today I may reconsider, and I usually flush and run); nocturnal snakes lived under my bed and if I got out of bed in the dark, they would wrap around my ankles and suck me underneath to become a part of their scary, snaky realm (I still sleep with my sheets tucked in so tightly that my 6'5" husband's toes curl backwards if he sleeps on his back). They would also convince me and their mother, my favorite aunt Linda, to watch a scary movie, then hide in the woods between my parents' house and my grandparents' and laugh like hyenas when they "Booed" one or both of us into peeing like a toddler in the middle of the driveway.

Those were the good old days. Yes, my tender psyche may have been deeply and unalterably affected by their abominable stories, but we always had a great time. Because we would also take my grandfather's hand-carved walking sticks and use them as guns to hunt for Bigfoot through the rhododendron thicket in front of their house. We would go fishing in the pond with their dad, my favorite uncle Robert. We would hike, and play, and run, and eat strawberries and watermelon in my grandmother's kitchen. We would run all over the mountain playing and chasing the dogs and pretending all manner of things. Great fun.

And to think I stumbled upon all these memories because my son flushed the toilet while I was still sitting on it.


  1. This makes me really want kids, so I too can experience this. I will just have to recruit my husband, for the time being.

  2. I watched a movie at about 7 years old called The Green Witch (I think thats the name). In the show they cut off the witch's hand and flush it down the toilet. Of course it kept coming back up, fully alive ready to grab your bear bum and pull you in. I don't think I even flushed the toilet for 3 years. And if I didn it was definitely flush and run!

    Oh, and as for witches in general, we lived out in the middle of no where surrounded by thick brambles and trees. My brother, repeatedly through out the years, would push me outside after dark and say, "There's a witch down the driveway". Lock me out and turn off all the lights. If I wanted to get back in, I had to hike all the way around the house past the creepy cellar, up the back porch and beg to be let in. (He has apologized a few times since)

    Good times.

  3. BTW, I loved your fortune cookie story! So fun! (you should frame the forture for fun one year)

  4. it IS funny the things you think of in odd and unusual circumstances! And you sure have some funny stories! And (Not) Crazy relatives (heehee)

  5. I laughed right out loud at this one. Sounds like fun. And I wish I could get someone to flush around here. Forget about the repeat part.

  6. It's amazing how our minds can transport with just one little event - ok may be the same event in repetitiveness - :)

    Is he still flushing?

  7. I loved this post!! You have such a great descriptive gift, my friend! And I'm totally envious of your upbringing on Walton Mountain (or a reasonable facsimile thereof!)

    I do a great deal of reflecting while otherwise occupied on the potty. It's just such a great place to meditate...

  8. I think on the potty, and pray in the shower. All kinds of important things going on in the bathroom!

    I love it when henry wads up the toilet paper and tries to shove it between my legs.

    So helpful.

  9. Deep thoughts on great thrones...


Sock it to me!