Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Mommy Diet

I'm back! Did you miss me? I missed me. But I'm back, for real. And, for real, I'm not going anywhere in the foreseeable future.

So I'm back on the treadmill again. The last time I ran was March 1, 2009. (I was pregnant and sick -- don't judge.) And then Miscellany was born, and I ran a few times a month ago, in February. This time around, though, I am committed. And it feels good. I am amazed at the mood stabilizing effects of exercise. There really is something to those endorphin thingies, I guess. After a run, I just feel better -- about everything. I can handle my children. I can handle my life. I actually like my life. And I feel somehow . . . faster. I unload the dishwasher, or fold laundry, or clean the bathroom, and my whole body is awake, present and participating in the activity. I walk taller. I work better. I breathe deeper. And I'm happy.

To capitalize on all this exercise, CPod and I have also been counting calories. Being the nerdy people we are, it goes without saying that we're approaching it scientifically: calculate your basal metabolic rate, decide how much weight you want to lose, factor in exclusively breastfeeding a 4 month old baby and estimate your activity level (how many calories does it burn when I chase GDog around the house trying to enforce a time out?), blah blah blah. Suffice it to say I do not enjoy 120 extra calories of Co'Cola unless I've done one thing or another to earn them. To that end, I record everything I eat, as does CPod, and I have noticed certain . . . disparities between our lists.

Take, for example, lunch. CPod's list is pretty straightforward:

-onion roll with three slices of ham, mustard, lettuce, NO cheese
-a pear
-10 pringles
-a handful of cocoa roast almonds
-water, water, and water.

My food list for the day is slightly more complicated:
-3 pringles (I assume, when you add up the surface area of all 17 crumbs I managed to grab)
-the peanut butter left on the knife after I made three other sandwiches
-1/4 of a pear, plus 2/3 of 1/4, plus 1/2 of 1/4, plus 1/3 of 1/4 (even for a math nerd, that's more computation than I want to do just to record my calories)
-6 almonds
-2 animal crackers
-half of a juice box (also leftover)
-1/2 serving of pineapple in lime jello (the rest thrown back in the refrigerator so I can eat it after refereeing a squabble between the twins)
-one slice of ham, as I put away what CPod left out when he made his lunch (because he thought I would use the same ingredients to make mine)

I think I spend more calories recording the food I eat than I actually consume. I mean, surely the 35 calories worth of animal crackers are burned as I fend off the interlopers who try to take over the computer and play pinball every single time I sit down to add another food to the list! Don't they cancel each other out?

Do I have to count the seven goldfish in a little baggie I found when I was cleaning out the car? How about the one peanut butter cracker left in the pack in ConMan's preschool snack? Or the chocolate covered raisins I found inside MayDay's stacking cups?

The Mommy Diet? How about the Homeless Foragers diet? The Cinderella's Mice diet? The One-Sixteenth Portion Diet? Whatever it's called, I can't believe the weight isn't just falling off of my bootylisciousness.

Oh, wait. There are some things I consume in whole portions. Blue Bell Almond & Pistachio ice cream, with a light drizzle of Hershey's syrup? That, I savor slowly, after my children sleep, whilst enjoying a book, a blog, a brief conversation with beloved husband, a bad singer on American Idol.

Dinner with my girlfriends? I can finish off three days worth of leftover calories in one fell swoop: spinach salad with gorgonzola, applewood smoked bacon, craisins, sugared pecans, and mustard-honey emulsion; or New York-style pizza with fresh basil and house-made mozzarella; or the best fried shrimp ever with cole slaw and roasted sweet potatoes, topped off with warm chocolate chip bread pudding doused in pure, unwhipped, unadulterated cream.

Have I said before that I love food? I do. Truly. Sometimes I think I do all this calorie counting and exercising just to keep myself from getting fatter. The thing is, I'm totally okay with that. I run, and it feels good. I eat, and it feels good, too. And this body? It's not half bad. I think I'll keep it.



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18 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Hey, I missed you! :)

    I TOTALLY understand the "Mommy Diet" thing. My two-year-old has already learned that if she doesn't want it, she is to give it to Mommy, who then will proceed to eat it. She just doesn't understand that that doesn't include food that has already been in her mouth! ;)

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  3. First of all, congrats on the running. Not judging at all, since I never manage to keep an exercise regimen for very long. I'm trying! Really, I am.

    I love your mommy diet. Thanks for the great laugh.

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  4. The Mommy Diet is also my nemesis. I just can't stand to through out the perfectly edible food. And, unfortunately, my kids never seem to finish all their fries.

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  5. I was just thinking about how much more weight I could have lost over the past 4 months on Weight Watchers if I had exercised too! I am so lazy!

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  6. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAA!!!!

    We are friends for a reason.

    I so TOTALLY do this.

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  7. I was also pregnant in March '09! Except I wasn't running. You win. :)

    I kept nodding my head as I read this post. Except when you started talking about bowls of ice cream with Hershey's chocolate--I'm sure I started shaking my head "no" since I have to avoid temptation!

    But the 1/3 of 1/4 stuff really had me laughing, because it's just so true!

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  8. I LOVE FOOD TOO!!!! Don't do any exercise, totally lazy here, I know I should, I know is good for me, I know it will make me feel wonderful (I've done the running thing before) I'm just L A Z Y!!!!

    Best Diet for me? Breastfeeding :) I'm only 2 lbs away from my weight before I got pregnant. Now of course my body isn't toned or firm (far from it) but looking at the scale feels great and wearing my non-pregnancy clothes feels even better.

    Keep up the good work, for all of us lazy ones, who admire your progress and dedication!

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  9. Haha, awesome. I use to be a hard core exerciser until about two years ago. I have been shameful ever since.
    And seriously! How in the world does a mom count calories? I admit, I never count. Just like you said, it gets WAY too complicated.
    But you totally made me laugh!

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  10. You're hilarious - congrats on the return to good health!

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  11. I miss Bluebell ice cream badly. Really badly.

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  12. Picture me nodding my head. I'm still trying to figure out why I haven't dropped 80+ pounds. I eat like a squirrel! (Except for those shortbread cookies...)

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  13. Thanks for the smile today. I appreciate you and your cleverness. :)

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  14. Great Post. Very funny. My e-mail program will not let me e-mail you privately, but I wanted to respond to your comment on Denae's post. I never said that all poeple from North Carolina hate black people, or harrass the missionaries. That was one experience my husband had. He also had many many wonderful experiences and LOVES North Carolina. He is trying move us there. So find us a job!! Then I'll move in next door, and then you'll know the meaning of harrass..lol

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  15. I'm loving your blog. I'll definitely be following.

    Feel free to check out mine. I think you'll especially love it:

    http://theboyfriendshopper.blogspot.com/

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  16. So funny, and so true! You have a great attitude toward all this, by the way.

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  17. I just started giggling when I started to read your 1/2 pear plus 1/3 of 1/4 plus 1/2 of 1/4 etc. I've so been there and done that.

    Goodonya for being well! Maybe I'll start exercising again. I'm a happier person when I do and I don't understand why I don't, but I don't. I need to be inspired.

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Sock it to me!